


What about me?

by MalecHeline



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: F/F, Izzy has a small panic attack, Izzy is insecure, Izzy is still affected by that, Izzy still experiences trauma because of Maryse, Maia and Izzy talk calmly, Maia is a good friend, Maryse wasn't a good mom, self indulgent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 03:57:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19418008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalecHeline/pseuds/MalecHeline
Summary: "It shouldn’t feel like that, she should feel happy, giddy even, that her mother finally was the woman she always wanted her to be. And she was. She was happy, but not as much as she hoped she would be. Or rather she should be."Izzy has trouble with erasing all of the comments Maryse used to make, she feels very overwhelmed with the fact that even though Maryse has changed, the words are still right there in her head, making her feel uneasy.She needs some air, needs to just not be there anymore. Maia realizes Izzy is struggling and reaches out.





	What about me?

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea for a very long time and it just wouldn't leave me alone. This fic is something that is very close to my heart since I am extremely insecure, so I kinda projected my own feelings on Izzy. Even though I do think we should've had a scene like this, cause the things she used to say couldn't just dissappear. They wouldn't. 
> 
> So since this is very personal, if you have a problem with the fic, please tell me respectfully or dm me on twitter (maiaheline) cause I don't want to have anxiety over this.... thank you in advance
> 
> TW//  
> Izzy has trouble breathing issue and has slight panic attack, it isn't very descriptive. She is just very overwhelmed.  
> Mention of slutshaming (kind of)  
> Mention of abusive (vocally) parents  
> Izzy feels very insecure

Izzy needed some air, everything just became a little too much for her and it seemed like with every single person who laughed her lungs grew tighter. She tried to shake it off, to start functioning normally again, but it was all too much. She excused herself out of the room and walked over to Magnus’ balcony to finally breathe in the oxygen her mind thought she needed. After a while she looked back at everyone chatting in the living room, seeing them cackle hilariously and punching each other on the shoulder playfully. It was a nice night, she thought to herself. Everyone seemed to get along, to play nice, to be able to not talk about work, yet somehow it was a little overwhelming. Somehow seeing her mother being all happy and cheery felt a little too much? 

It shouldn’t feel like that, she should feel happy, giddy even that her mother finally was the woman she always wanted her to be. And she was. She was happy, but not as much as she hoped she would be. Or rather she should be. She reached for the hairtie that was hanging loosely on her wrist. She pulled her hair back and neatly wrapped it in the hair tie. She brushed some of the tangles out her hair with her fingers and sighed heavily. She could still hear Magnus’ impression of this one old dude he met some really long time ago. It was funny and entertaining, but the way everyone else laughed, with her not being able to, hurt. She shook her head as she was once again overthinking literally everything in her life.

At moments like these her confidence was nowhere to be seen. Not a sprinkle of faith in herself was found and she hated it, she tried to hide it. Nobody knew she got like this, but that was probably cause nobody seemed to care. Izzy pulled her hands to her face and slowly but deeply started breathing in and out. In and out. Until she finally felt like that weight on her shoulders had lessened. It never was gone, but sometimes it would feel a little lighter as if it couldn’t wear her down anymore. She could breathe a little better and focus a little more. She cracked her neck from side to side, still being a tiny bit sore from training, or maybe it was because she had felt tense the entire day. She took two deep breaths, closed her eyes and counted until ten before she opened them again. The sun was almost setting as it was floating over the Brooklyn skyline. It was a beautiful sight, those orange, yellow and pink tones, and she smiled knowing that this, this ‘ritual’ was the one thing she could count on always to be there. This, this right here, was consistent. The sun would always set in the afternoon and come up in the morning.

When she heard giggles coming from behind her again she looked over her shoulder, looking for the reason they were laughing. She smiled knowing that that was her family, her happy place, with all the people she loved, but that tightness in her chest started growing again. So she closed her eyes again, breathed in some of the fresh air and breathed out. Telling her mind that everything was going to be okay. Cause it was going to be okay, it had to, right?

“Hey, you okay?” she suddenly heard a voice behind her. She slowly turned around and saw Maia standing there in front of the door. She smiled at the familiar face and motioned her closer.

“Yeah, I will be,” Izzy whispered, mostly to herself.

“I wanted to check up on you, you seemed a little pale back there,” Maia said softly as she came to stand besides Izzy, looking out over the city.

“Just a little overwhelmed,” Izzy replied while her hands started shaking tensely.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Maybe talking about it will help you, maybe I have different insights. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to, don’t feel forced,” Maia said softly.

“It’s something very irrational,” Izzy argued with a soft tone, not wanting to be rude to her.

“That doesn’t mean you’re not feeling it,” Maia replied with a frown on her face.

They were both silent for a while, not entirely sure what to say to the other. Not in times like this, so they just stared at the sunset. But when the last ray of sunshine slipped past the top of the buildings Izzy wanted to talk. To lay it all on the table and have no regrets.

“It’s everything, honestly,” she began.

“Define everything.”

“It’s just, everyone’s so happy and cheery and laughing and my mom-“ Izzy sighed deeply and stopped the sentence. She tried to gather her thoughts to make coherent sentences, but everything she came up with felt so ridiculous. She was being ridiculous, she thought to herself. Who would get overwhelmed by seeing people laughing, radiating happiness? Who would be upset about those kind of things?

“Stop that,” Maia softly said as she turned her head towards Izzy. “Don’t come up with excuses as to why you’re feeling like this.”

Izzy rolled her eyes automatically, but realized she shouldn’t have. Maia was right and she should just talk, let the words out. Throw them around so she wouldn’t be the only one dealing with them. 

“She apologized,” Izzy started again, practically whispering as if saying it out loud would make all of this even worse. Her breath and words felt tight, as if she was talking through gritted teeth. “She apologized for everything,” Izzy stopped again and pinched her nose with her fingers, hoping that the tears that were piling up in her eyes wouldn’t fall down. “So why can’t I seem to forgive her?” she choked out as Maia still listened intently. “Why do I still hear her demeaning comments every time I look in the mirror? How come I still feel her shame crawling under my skin, gnawing at every hint of confidence I have? Why does that woman, the person she used to be, have so much influence on me? I want her out!” she raised her voice, only for it to become even softer than it had been “I want all of it out.” Izzy shook her head softly as if that would make everything hurt less or make her watery eyes suddenly dry again.

“Do you actually want a reason or was it a hypothetical question?” Maia softly said as she came closer to Izzy. She had previously been standing further away to give the dark-haired girl some space, but the distance wasn’t making her point go through Izzy’s head. It wouldn’t convince Izzy, that she was not irrational, couldn’t be if those feelings were simply that… things she felt. That what she was thinking wasn’t abnormal, but just human.

“Whatever,” Izzy tried to wave off.

“Cause I think words like that can be forgiven, but can never be forgotten. Your mother wasn’t a good mother, Izzy. Not from what I’ve heard.”

Izzy looked beside her at Maia. “She is now.”

“But it might be too late. And she can’t blame you if it is, she has to blame herself. I get you love her and would do anything for her, but you have to accept for yourself that in some way or another those things she used to say can’t go away,” Maia tried.

“Why though, why can’t they seem to leave me alone?” Izzy said desperately turning to Maia for answers she had been looking for.

“Because those comments made you self-aware, they crushed your self-esteem and made you think you were lesser. Lesser than your brothers, a lesser woman for it or however they made you feel. You can’t just brush all that insecurity under the rug. You can love her, forgive her and try to build your relationship again, but those comments will always exist in your mind. The only way for you to move on is to be honest with yourself. Confront your mom about these things, about whatever is bothering you, cause otherwise you’ll only feel worse.”

“Why does it feel like Alec has no problem with forgiving her though?” Izzy questioned, not really sure if anyone could answer that beside Alec himself.

Maia chuckled and reached out her hand to brush a strand of hair behind Izzy’s ear, hoping she wasn’t intruding, but it seemed she didn’t mind.

“You can’t compare his relationship with your mom to your own. She probably felt like she hurt him more with the things she said about his relationship with Magnus and had to make amends quickly. So perhaps it felt like she tried harder with Alec. She probably didn’t think about how her past views affected you too. Maybe she thought you weren’t as affected by her old parenting style, cause you hide it so well,” Maia nudged Izzy’s shoulder softly.

“You’ve figured it out,” she answered looking at her hands that were leaning on the balcony.

“And maybe Alec hasn’t forgiven her as easily as you think, have you ever talked to him about it?” Maia asked. Izzy just shook her head. “Then maybe you should. Talking, even though it can be very hard to do, seems to sometimes be the only solution.”

Izzy was silent for a few seconds, maybe even minutes. She breathed in the cool air around her and closed her eyes a few times, trying to calm her thoughts as Maia was patiently waiting for the next thing she would say. Everything seemed so uncertain, everything was a 'maybe', but she needed some reality. No more ‘maybes’, she had to lay it all on the table, cause if she didn’t she would just feel worse. 

“I’m just always second,” Izzy got out and the minute she did her eyes started watering again. “With my mom, with my friends, with every single person. I’m never the first person people call, think of or reach out to. I’m never a priority and I’ve had my whole life to learn to deal with that, so why does it still fucking hurt?”

“Because it sucks,” Maia sighed. “It fucking sucks!”

“Like even with our friends…. I know for sure that I won’t be anyone’s first choice, I’ll always be second or third or fourth whatever…,” Izzy sighed desperately after that sentence. It was hard to talk about it, really hard, but somehow that weight she still felt on her shoulders, was once again a little lighter.

“You’ll be my first choice,” Maia admitted.

“I don’t believe that,” Izzy scoffed.

“We should make a pact,” Maia suggested suddenly. “Just us two. From now on we’ll be each other’s first calls. We’ll think of each other first if something were to happen. We’ll be each other’s first choice. Deal?” Maia held out her hand for Izzy to shake. She seemed hesitant at first, not really believing a thing Maia told her, but she needed this, to be someone’s first choice.

“Deal,” Izzy smiled and shook their hands.

They both fell into a silence after that, just listening to the evening breeze and occasionally staring at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking.

“Just so you know, I don’t believe your Alec’s second choice..” Maia mentioned.

“Yeah, right… he has Magnus to call and Jace, I’m more like a third choice.”

“You know, somehow I don’t believe that,” she turned her face to Izzy.

“What do you mean?” Izzy asked her.

“Alec loves you,” she stated simply. “He was worried out of his mind when you were missing and-.”

“He also was when Jace was missing,” Izzy interrupted.

Maia glared at her, but continued. “He was taking care of you and not telling anyone, not even Jace what was going on, because you didn’t want him to. He was angry at everyone cause you were in trouble. He goes to you when he needs help or advice, protects you from practically everyone and appreciates your opinion more than anyone else’s. He needs you more than anyone, Izzy.”

“How do you even know all of this?”

“We’ve somehow become friends. He talks, I talk, he texts, I text and so on,” Maia chuckled at Izzy’s perplexed expression.

“So as his friend, I can tell you that if in any situation he was in that was troubling, he would call you first.”

“Yeah, to get his ass saved,” Izzy rolled her eyes, but her mood seemed to change for the better.

“You’re so much better than you think, Izzy.”

“Thank you,” she whispered while blushing a little. “I don’t know if you need to hear that too, but so are you, Maia.”

“Just think about really talking with your mom, okay? I know I have to talk to my parents at some point. We can’t keep avoiding our problems, can we?”

“Guess we both will need some luck, huh?”

“Guess we do.” Maia left Izzy alone with one final squeeze to her hand and walked back inside. Izzy looked longingly after her and smiled to herself. She looked in front of her at the darkened sky and thought to herself, ‘Everything is gonna be alright, it has to’.


End file.
